The games this week were postponed for varying reasons, Neils has lost his disc in his recent move (the div), Gos’ daughter had an accident, Stuart was noshing off a fat bearded bloke and Simon was kidnapped by aliens.

With three teams competing in a Round Robin, Springfield Argyle cast off their recent form to win it magnificently, and it has spawned an annual Round Robin. Explanation thus:

Each time league games are not played due to too many absences, forcing a round robin, the winner shall receive a point. After 12 months, the top 3 teams will have a Round Robin to decide the annual championship. So the league decrees.

Current Standings:

 Wins            Appearances

Alan           1                     2
Pete            1                     2
Andy          0                     2
Stuart         0                     1
Gos            0                     0
Neil            0                     0
Simon 0 0
Previous results here http://pesleague.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/more-mayhem/

Results from this week:

Andy 2-3 Pete
Alan 1-0 Andy
Pete 0-1 Alan

Welcome to last weeks report (here at last!) which details Springfield Argyle’s rise to second in the table, despite only having won one game from five. Simon’s Super Heroes In Training find themselves top after a blistering start that threatens The Great Commandos recent dominance.

Argyle started the weeks fixtures with a disappointing draw against Shaw Spazaletic in terrible conditions. The first half was virtually unplayable from an Argyle point of view due to the terrible connection where teleportations and jerkiness ran riot. Argyle found themselves a goal down after just four minutes (admittedly before the connection went wonky) from a clinical Van Nistelrooy strike. The conditions cleared in the second half, but there wasn’t enough time to score more than a solitary goal and the spoils were shared.

The second game was against Sing When We’re Fishing, and Andy’s time on PES2009 has seen him greatly out of practice on PES6, with the Codheads yet to register a single point. Having just been thrashed by Backdoor Victors, they put up a spirited second half fight and Argyle were lucky to come away with a 1-0 victory.

The first round of the cup saw Argyle pitched against league leaders Super Heroes In Training. Argyle were once again, Wigan Athletic and SHIT were Torino. It was an exciting match which ebbed and flowed with many shots at either end and a 0-0 half time scoreline was surprising considering the number of times the woodwork had been rattled.

Early in the second half SHIT scored a wonder strike. From fully 45 (Forty Five!! Just outside the centre circle!!!) yards, a SHIT midfielder blasted a shot (and I mean BLASTED) that swerved right in front of Chris Kirkland and smashed into the top left corner of his goal, giving him no chance. It was one of the most spectacular online goals I have witnessed. Unreal.

Argyle huffed and puffed to no avail, Heskey proving to be, once again, particularly crap, and with 12 minutes remaining, Simon did that annoying thing where he runs at an angle past your keeper and the keeper just flobs about like a useless cunt, leaving a wide angle to slot the ball home.

Here is the season 5 cup final report (Backdoor Victors v Sing When We’re Fishing), by Backdoor Victors manager, Stuart, in his own inimitable style…..

I was Inter (naturally) and Andy was Barca. To tell you the truth I just don’t think SWWF turned up for the match. The Victors (aptly named) were all over them from the off. I was through on goal with Figo and was hacked unceremoniusly just before reaching the penalty box. This set the tone for the rest of the match. Never hack BV players, fatal.

Backdoors Victorious

It wasn’t long before I got my first goal through sheer persistance (and skill, I might add). It was a bit calamitous in the box, with shot after shot being rebounded off defenders and goalkeeper. I think it took 3 attempts for Ibrahimovich to head the ball home for the first goal.

SWWF tried in vain to get a grip on the game, they couldn’t string any of their passes together because of the continous hack after hack from the BV players. It was like a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the funniest thing was, the referee was the most lenient guy ever, no yellow cards for The Victors. Oh how I laughed.

Campiones

It was plain sailing after that, a simple cross from Figo nodded home by Adriano who got ahead of his man in the box to make it a 2 – 0 scoreline before half time.

Second half was pretty much the same, with only a couple of half chances for SWWF which never looked like going in. The game was put to rest after some sublime skill from Adriano outside the box to send a curler in the bottom right corner, which even Andy acknowledged was a good goal.

All in all a good days work. “sigh”. How do I feel. I don’t know what all the fuss was about.

A lovely EUROWOOF moment...

Take a look at the chances in this screen shot.

Just look at the chances

Guess What the score was.

That’s right, 0-0.

I was shaking with a mixture of frustration and fury at the final whistle that left me bereft of energy (Joann found me slumped in the chair and she had to wipe where I’d shat myself).

Chance after chance was fired at The Super Heroes goal, but Simon had performed some voodoo or something upon it, and it remained intact.

In fact it was a complete reversal of the previous game where Argyle travelled to The Great Commandos, and spent most pf the game camped in their own half. Defending superbly, Argyle kept The Commandos shot count down to a minimum, in spite of the heavy possession. The Commandos had scored a solitary goal in the first half when a Robben shot deflected off the hap/useless Gary Breen and bounced past the wrongfooted Argyle keeper.

The Commandos didn’t heed the warning of a breakaway Robbie Keane effort that was blasted against their keeper, and with just 15 minutes remaining, a delicate throughball put Morrison in the clear, and he deftly scooped the ball over the advancing Van der Sar to send the travelling Argyle support into a delirious frenzy. Final score: 1-1.

Scores:
Backdoor Victors 0-2 Super Heroes In Training
Mingeeta 0-0 The Great Comandos

Super Heroes In Training 2-0 Mingeeta
The Great Commandos 1-1 Springfield Argyle

Springfield Argyle 0-0 Super Heroes In Training

Cup
The Great Commandos 1-0 Mingeeta

The Great Commandos lift the league trophy

The Great Commandos lifted the league trophy in some style in an evening beset by connection problems. With Caledonian Cosmos resigning from the league due to manager Colin’s commitment clashes, The Commandos only needed 3 points from 2 games to be sure of the title.

At 2 minutes to 8, the doorbell went ‘bing bong’ (well, actually it screeches: “WOOOOOAAARRGH!!! THERE’S A GHOST BEHIND YOU!!!”, a remnant of a couple of halloweens ago. I should really get around to changing it) and standing there, like a gorilla in the mist, was Gos.

His internet was playing up so he’d left his wife and child and driven all the way from the slopes of  St Helens to play his fixtures on my computer.

The nerd.

This didn’t go down to well with Joann, who was in bed, nursing her ganglion infested wrist. Afterwords, as she complained bitterly, I told her: “we all have to make sacrifices for the good of Pro Evolution Soccer”, which earned me a punch in the stones (from her good hand).

Anyway, Springfield Argyle had already been knocked out of the cup by Sing When We’re Fishing. I picked the mighty Wigan Athletic to play in the semi-final, and Andy picked Bolton. The Scum. The Enemy. I always struggle against Bolton. I tense up. It’s the need to win, to beat these shambling apes into a pulp and humilate the flaccid crudsacks they call supporters.

Inevitably, Argyle turned in a dreadful performance, and with 2 minutes to go, El Hadje-Diouf ambled unchallenged into the penalty box and fired a low shot past Chris Kirkland. In truth, Argyle were well beaten.

Player-manager Gostelow celebrates his hat-trick v Shaw Spazaletic

The last league game was also against SWWF, and Argyle were once again beaten 1-0. Mexico won’t be missed as the away team. The forwards are slower than a ZX-81 and the defenders clumsy and docile. Like readers of The Daily Star.

I got a chance to watch Gos play with the Commandos and they comprehensively beat Shaw Spazaletic. It was 3-0 at half time, and by the time Neil turned in a fighting second half performance, it was already too late, and The Commandos had won the title.

They went on to beat Super Heroes In Training 2-0, who had a nightmare evening, losing their 3 remaining league games, including one to (oh, the shame) Shaw Spazaletic! Their first win came in their last game, ensuring Neil didn’t end up with a zero in the win column, and that Simon failed to see his team climb to a respectable position.

It would have been a good time for The Backdoor Victors to play SHIT in the cup semi-final, however, Stuart was having internet difficulties, meaning Pete rushed home from Opera practise for nothing, and his Mingeeta team finish second with a pointless game in hand.

Title celebrations for the Commandos

The boffins at Pro-Evo Headquarters made an executive decision last night to commence with season 6 in the face of the fixture pile-up in season 5. So it was that the Argyle took to the field in their opening game against Backdoor Victors and continued where they left off in season 5 by failing miserably to get a decent hold on the game.

The Victors started strongly and with their away following in good voice, found themselves in front in the first half after a hopeful lob-cross was missed by everyone and Damien Duff found himself unmarked on the edge of the six yard box to smash the ball into the roof of the net, after Stuart pressed all his buttons in a panic.

Argyle however, refused to panic, and totally dominated the second half, wiping the floor with the Victors dignity until their sheer skill paid off when an exquisite corner was deftly headed into the corner of the net with elegant precision by Arjen Robben.

“You fucking lucky bastard!” screamed Stuart, kicking off his panda slippers in a huff (or at least he typed it, and it appeared on my screen). The rest of the game was played out with The Victors hacking down the Argyle at every available opportunity in order to prevent total humiliation.

Final Scores:

Springfield Argyle 1-1 Backdoor Victors

Sing When We’re Fishing 1-2 Mingeeta

——————————-

Sing When We’re Fishing 0-2 The Great Commandos

Backdoor Victors 0-1 Mingeeta

Season 5 saw a solitary game for the Argyle where bottom club Shaw Spazaletic put up a spirited fight in the first half, which was promptly shattered by three second half goals, giving Argyle a third consecutive victory over Shaw. The best moment of the game was when Ming-Mong (or whatever the deformed Mexican forward is called) was clean through on goal for Shaw, and proceeded to smack his effort against the bar amid howls of derision from the partisan home crowd.

Crap gits.

The end of season 5 is drawing to a close, and it was time for Springfield Argyle to have a few online friendlies, so I booted up PES6 and entered a competition.

I am not above naming and shaming some of the wankstains who play this game online, and I was lucky enough to play the delightful .-_Fanatico_-. who had a win ratio of over 70%. I soon found out why.

You know that jerky thing people can do with their router, you know, the ones who are sad enough to cheat on an online game when the whole point is to have fun? Well, that was his game. I had to put down my joypad and go and make a cup of tea whilst he racked up the goals. I disconnected right at the death so he’d only get 3-0. Childish? Yeah, it takes two to tango.

So now I have to log on to get some practice in, and the Argyle fans put ._-Fanatico-_. on their shit list.